As soon as the game kicked off it was clear we had moved up a gear from last week. The pace was fast and we have the Magpies pegged back in their own half for basically off of the first half
Inside the first few minutes we had a stonewall penalty shout turned down by the FA’s man in green. Fabregas played The Pers through on goal with a lovely reverse pass, only for Coloccini to put in a last ditch tackle that saw him take sweet FA of the ball. To be fair considering our luck with referees we were lucky to even have the corner given in our favour. The corner was smacked off an unlucky Newcastle defender and went out for another. The second was of a better standard and I think the whacked Magpie crapped himself. The Pers floated the ball in which was flicked on by Bacary Sagna and Gallas should have buried it. He never.
Kolo Toure felt left out by Gallas and had a mazy run up field….well mazy for a defender. He thumped the ball so hard that Joey Barton was seen to flinch. Given pulled off a splendid save and diverted the ball wide for yet another corner. Nothing happened.
Robin Van Persie won us another bloody corner that we never done anything from. Anyhow Cesc took it and after a bit of proverbial ping pong in the box from the Newcastle defense the ball landed at Ade’s feet. Ade’s attempt to put in a cross was stopped by Paul Scholes, who today has made himself look like Charles N’Zogbia. Handball, penalty. The spot kick is to be taken by The Pers who looks like the epitome of coolness as he steps up to take it. So James Dean in an igloo with penguins drinking ice cool beer aka The Pers strolled up and stuck the ball past Shay Given who had guessed the right way.Unfortunately for Given and fortunately for us Van Persie had hit the perfect penalty and it flew past Given into the bottom left of his net. As the Pers scores it is another result for me as I take more of the bookies money home.
Adebayor is then tripped by Coloccini who is actually lucky to still be on the field after this. He intentionally tripped Ade as he was about to latch onto Van Persie’s pass and received only a yellow card. It was great vision from Van Persie to spot Adebayor’s lung bursting run into the box. It was Cesc’s turn to take the free kick this time and it was smashed it off the wall. He wanted to break his duck but chose to whack a magpie instead.
Van Persie had been outstanding, his match sharpness was back and he looked like he wanted to make up for those terrible free kicks last week. He almost did when we won another free kick. The Pers wins it after he jinked around the Newcastle defense who had nothing else to do but bring him down. He hit a glorious free kick with his left foot which was matched by the right paw of Given. Corner again, nothing again.
Toure must have been getting jealous of Gallas and his two goal tally this early in the season and he tried to score from an angle even The Pers would find it hard to do. He got points for trying though, he wanted to break his duck as well but his duck is still alive.
Over 35 minutes of time had been played before Newcastle even got a sniff. Michael Owen tried it but he and Ameobi are tramps and they balls it up.
My special friend almost shed a few tears from the glorious movement upfront. Cesc (who’s name is just suited to this kind of football) played a lovely ball through to Van Persie who’s back heel invited in Adebayor. Ade probably could have hit his shot a little earlier, he didn’t but he took the ball round his man his shot came to nothing. Shame really.
A few minutes later and the Cesc-y football had an affair with Emmanuel Eboue, yes you read that right Eboue! Like Bill and Monica, Sven and Nancy, my mate Si and my mate Steve’s mum it was a timeless affair as Eboue made a fantastic run, laid the ball off to Adebayor who then played the ball back to Eboue who had carried on his penetrating run. Van Persie arrived in the box just in time to slide onto Eboue’s back heel. As The Pers shoots and score me and 60,000 other Gooners do as well….even the birds. It’s times like this you wish you could still light up a cigarette in public.
Newcastle made a substitution straight after. Bassong comes on for Jose Enrique who had been worried about the duck breaking stuff and thought that Eboue might confuse a magpie for a duck. Eboue’s ripped it out of him enough today.
Manuel Alumnia who had rewrote War an Peace today finally had something to do just as halftime approached. Because he was so bored he made Owens header seem like it was harder to save than it actually was. Bread and butter stuff really.
After the break Newcastle remembered the were allowed to attack. Nicky ‘I’m a scumbag tosser with ginger hair’ Butt took this literally and ran his studs down Van Persie’s leg. The Pers ends up on the ground and we all held our breath…not for too long right enough because we didn’t want to die and The Pers got up anyway.
Newcastle won a free kick after that gimpy looking ex scouse Danny Guthrie just ran into Denilson and fell on his thieving arse. Quite apt that he should sign for a team nicknamed the magpies isn’t it? Anyway the free kick ended up being saved by Bob in Row E. Well done.
Fabregas then received a yellow card after Shay Given sprinted out his box like a mental case protesting about Cesc’s mis-timed challenge on Beye. Given received a yellow card to match his minging shirt for being a twat and Cesc got one because Given was a twat.
Samir Nasri had been quiet but really effectful today, he picked the ball up inside our penalty box and steamed toward the halfway line before he offloaded it to Denilson. Fantastic work rate and a gem of a player.
Nicky Butt had a chance to pull it back to 2-1 with a header which hit the cross bar. Ha ha.
Ade then found Van Persie who is tried to play the ball to the back post, pinged off a Newcastle defender and out for a corner. The corner, yes nothing happened. Landed safely in Given’s arms.
Out third goal came after Nasri joined RVP in the igloo of coolness with James Dean, the penguins and the ice cold beer. He kept his cool on the box after he originally lost it. Denilson won it back and gave Nasri the reigns before Nasri shared the love with Ade who teed up Denilson. The boy from Brasil made up for last weeks catastrophe by hitting the ball home, there was a hint of a deflection but he breaks his Premier League duck. Quack.
Oh I love Samir Nasri and we are now best friends.
The Pers then had his hat trick attempt cruelly rejected by the cross bar. He ended up on the ground again and after a sparkling performance it went flat as he had to come off. Hopefully it’s nothing too serious and Vela replaces him.
We won a corner just before Vela comes on after my best mate cracks a shot which smacks a Geordie. The corner comes to nothing. Shock.
Alexandre Song was then bought on for Denilson, straight swap as Song slotted into place alongside Cesc in centre mid.
Gael Clichy mugged Beye and his swerving shot almost ended up in the back of the net. I hate Shay Given when he’s on his day because I really wanted Clichy to score.
Nasri dealt in Carlos Vela who showed great strength in holding off his man. In the end the attack ground to a halt but we’re 3-0 up and cruising.
TW14 was then ready to make an entrance and did so in place of Eboue who made a fine contribution to The Pers’ second goal.
Walcott being the nice lad that he is used his pace and played a lovely ball to Vela who was desperately trying to impress. He took a shot and won us the corner as it was deflected off some Geordie. We actually almost scored from this corner as Kolo Toure flew through the air like Superman on steroids but his header was more like Wonder Woman. He hit it straight at the keeper and we waste another one. I do think one day we will take advantage of these corners.
Another free kick is won on the edge on the box. To be fair Ade looked a little Eboue-esque as he went down. Nasri and King Kolo were stood over it and Samir has a crack and his attempt was thwarted by Given…again. We do win another corner though. Again we have a great chance to score as Gallas sees his header cleared off the line and Ade almost finished with the follow up.
Theo Walcott, nice lad but what a tease? Carlos Vela started the move with a lovely pass on the turn into the feet of Cesc Fabregas. Cesc then back heeled it to Ade, I can’t remember a game where there were so many back heels, Soccer AM’s showboating section better be full of us. Anyhow back to the game, Ade then bides his time before giving Walcott the chance to finish a quite simply orgasmic move. Close but no Cubana.
Joey ‘Jailbird’ Barton is brought on and receives a wonderful reception. To be fair to him the takes it on the chin…and up the bum.
His first involvement was a crazy lunge at Nasri which was surely a free kick and could have put him back behind bars. Nasri then ‘tripped’ Barton. He didn’t really though as Barton is just a dick and fell to try to make Nasri look like a twat. If you watch closely at the close up replays as I did you will see Samir Nasri does not touch Barton at all. First of all because he doesn’t want to catch rabies/scabies/bo/hiv and secondly because he isn’t that stupid.
Clichy then got in on the Barton Bashing as he megged him. Up you, mate. Nasri then got booked for his ‘trip’ on Barton. He better have that turned over.
The whistle blows and we left happy as Larry, whoever he is.
Wrote by Ades_Dancin_Shoes